I never believed in Soul Mates. I've always thought that nothing is predetermined because I believe in God's gift of free will. I've been reading Coelho lately and his ideas had me thinking about a lot of things. There was for one, the idea of a Soul Mate. He introduced the concept of reincarnation and being a part of someone else who lived in the past.

In Brida, he says that Soul Mates are souls that once belonged to one being and were separated during reincarnation into man and woman. This separation continues and thus, they are scattered all over the earth. As these souls divide, they become weaker and they feel the need to find themselves, to find that part of them that has been separated through time and restore their energy with the experiences that their other self has encountered throughout life. This he calls your soul mate. Soul Mates recognize each other. They want to be together and it doesn't take words for each to know how the other part feels. He also said that it is possible to find more than one soul mate in a lifetime. This is the reason why people get confused and at times, it even destroys them forever.

I thought about this and considered the events and people who have crossed paths with me. This is when I realized that I have found my soul mate. I somehow know that despite the absence of confession of our feelings, that he feels the same way as I do. It is too late for us to be together though for he has found love in someone else. Yet, whenevevr we talk, whenever we meet, there is still that same old synchrony that connects everything between us. It's as if the whole universe is aligned to our hearts and the winds sing in harmony with our laughter. I have found my soul mate and it doesn't matter if we can be together or not. It is rare to find one in this world filled with so much suffering and hate. I'm indeed one lucky soul. If we can't be together in this lifetime, I'm sure that we will find ourselves in the next.

In less than 24 hrs, a very dear friend will turn 28. Jayson Aquino Angeles will not see the party his family plans to give him on Wednesday night. He was taken away from us too soon!

The earliest memory I have of Jayson is of him waiting under the store sign of McDonald's Pasong Tamo. From the very first second we met, until the last before he asked to sit down to take a rest because of chest pains, he always has the ready welcoming smile that will always tell you how happy he is just because you're in front of him. That's the Jase I know, he'll always be happy everytime friends share time with each other... let me correct that, he's happiest when sharing.

I guess, sharing is ingrained into the fabric of his being. He has shared so much to a lot of different people. He shares his things, even if they're very precious to him. He shares his files, his computer knowledge, his trivia, his thoughts, everything. We have wasted endless waking hours having arguments telling him to take it easy in giving too much of himself, I never win of course. But that's how he is! He is relentless to the point of being irritatingly stubborn about giving those he loved much of what he has.

Jayson has given me love. One that knows no sorrow. He has shown me time and again how he will always be there for me even when being there for me skewers his soul to the very core. He'll still be there, pushing me on, to survive, to thrive, to get out of bed, to stop crying, to think, to take action, to consider things, to live. Much of those times I knew that each word must have taken a piece of his heart. It pains me to wonder, when I am not available, was there anyone to do the same for him? Did I ever do enough for him to give full credit to what he has done for me? I will never know.

In the past five years (and my apologies to the friends who have loved Jayson as much as we do) Jayson's time with friends have been monopolized to a certain extent by Rocky and me. The three os us shared a friendship no one can begin to understand. There's this bond that knew no limits because everything that happens between the three of us just seems to be right. We had dreams that no one else can dream of, we loved songs that only hold meaning to the three of us, we danced like the clubs were only playing for us, we had secrets in, between and within us that we held sacred to the very end. If there was a heart that broke the most after ours when Rocky and I broke up, it was his. He was our number one believer and fan. He never gave up on us and when things got to a point when it was just too much to handle, he was there salvaging all the good things that needed to remain. We have always trusted him to do the right thing, whether it cost him his happiness. He's always wanted one thing from Rocky and me, to not live hating each other. We are happy that before the end, we were able to show him that we have not failed him. I promised him we will carry on in a better way, and I believe we will succeed, not because he wants it... but because he was right all along and believed we were better than what we were showing.

Jase, as we lovingly call him, is a man who deserved a lot of things. I know that if he had stayed longer with us, the love he really wanted to have, the person who'd ultimately find him would have been the happiest on earth. It makes me feel guilty at times when i think that had I not been in trouble, would he have found his love sooner? However, I'll always take it back and tell myself that it's doing a disservice to J's nature thinking that way. No one can stop him, not even Ondoy if he wanted to be there for a friend.

I am very lucky to have spent most of Jayson's last moments with him. We had so much fun watching shows downloaded from the internet, eating a lot, moving things from my old home to the new one, preparing things for parties, ending those parties washing dishes together, shopping for hardware, shopping for decors. We were discussing how we were going to revive his social life one again. We were planning a big thing for him after his birthday. We were both looking forward to it. We were excited. Jase was never one to live a shortchanged life. He saw a lot of things which are good when there were only nasty things in the opinion of other people. He has always been one to give every man a chance. He's been hurt countless of times, but you will never see him give up. He knew that if he believed in other people's chances, he should give himself one too.

There are countless things to say to Jayson, there are countless moments to recall. I have no one to talk to now when work gets a little too much, there'll be no one to laugh with when things go wrong, there'll be no one to deliver downloaded TV shows in the middle of the day, I'll be clueless in fixing my computer without him, no one will tell me I look ok even in the middle of a horrendous week, I won't have those early mornings arguing with him while copy-pasting chat logs with time stamps on messenger, no more weird Quiapo shopping trips, no more planning a Christmas in Bataan. Although, among all these losses, the love I have for him will always remain. I LOVE YOU JAYSON! I will not let go of that until it's my turn to leave this earth.



I am honored by being one of your friends.

Jayson, hours before your birthday, my last memory of you will not be the desperate time of Jazz, Rocky and me trying our best to keep up with your breathing while pumping that air bag. I know you will not like that. I will remember you... all of what you shared... all of you! You deserve to be forever in our hearts. I will continue learning life from you. I will continue learning love from you. I will always love the way you do, just like what Mama told us about you... you always wanted things to be happy. We will be happy, Jayson.
Tonight, I will play our songs. I will raise a bottle/can/glass to you. I will party for you, even if I am by myself, I know you'll be there laughing with me. Knowing you in this lifetime, Jase, has been nothing less than good times. The BEST times! Happy Birthday. I love you Baby.